This is the story of how I became who I am today. Because my sexuality is absolutely central to my person, this memoir is explicitly sexual and very, very transgressive. Therefore, if explicit sexual descriptions of transgressive sexual actions offend you, read no further. Stop now and go away or delete this. I, and who I have become, can not be understood without these descriptions because they explain how I developed into who I am now. At first, I was greatly disturbed by the changes that have occurred in my life. I was somewhat disgusted with myself and my actions. But I have learned to accept who and what I am and have acted to avoid inflicting harm on anyone or anything, but my sexuality is certainly not considered normal and many believe that my sexuality is wrong. The descriptions matter because they are tied to the physical feelings, and the emotions that grew out of those feelings, that together molded me into the "me" of today.
To start, I begin this memoir when I was 21 years old. I am actually quite a bit older than that now, but still, it begins when I was 21 because that is when I took the steps that began my transformation. If this memoir is well-received, I may continue to reveal it to completion, but maybe not. I have fought with myself a great deal to simply do this much. I will often use the word "was" in reference to myself. Many times, I still "am" what I "was" but since this memoir looks back, I will tie things to how they were then.
Sexually, I was extremely reserved, given my very controlling upbringing and education and my experiences at home. As a result, I had no sexual experiences of any kind until after my 19th birthday, and all of my experiences have been with people the same age as, or older than, myself. My sexual experiences after that were limited and, mostly, irritating. Like any young woman, I certainly anticipated and looked forward to sex. I desired it and regularly developed the warm flush and tingle in my womb at the thought of it, but then when it actually occurred I was dissappointed and irritated. It never lasted long enough, it never provided me with sexual release, and it appeared to simply be an irritant. I routinely gave myself orgasms through private masturbation. That was my sex life. An occassional sexual act, followed by irritation and dissatisfaction, further followed by private masturbation. I had almost reached the point of determining that my sex life would be myself and my right hand for the rest of my life. Besides, who could trust these men? I certainly didn't.
Physically, I was tiny. That is no exageration. I was 4 feet, 11 inches tall and weighed 92 pounds (I was slim but not skinny and my health was quite robust and my arms and legs, though very small, were nicely formed and rounded). My waist measured 19 inches, my hips 27 and my chest 29. My breasts were "c" cups, by the barest of margins, but on my tiny frame they looked quite large. I was very small-boned and my feet were size 3 1/2, with my longest toe, the second one, being barely 1 inch in length. My largest finger, my middle one, was just under 2 inches in length and was ring size 3/4s. My wrists measured 2 1/2 inches in circumference and my ankles were 5 inches in circunference. The rest of my body was similarly tiny.
My hair was strawberry blonde, with the emphasis on strawberry since it was more red than blonde. It was fine and thin and I wore it long. My eyes were pale blue, almost grey, very round, and oddly large for my face. My skin was very pale and I had small dustings of freckles on my cheeks and nose and upper chest with a few more on my shoulders and upper arms. I had a strawbeery birthmark, the size of a silver dollar, on the inside of my right thigh. My cheekbones were high and arched, my chin firm, my forehead broad and my nose small and pert, with a very slight uptilt. My mouth was wide and my lips were average in thickness.
My breasts were slightly mismatched with my right one being a hair larger than the left and with its nipple being just a bit more outside and above, than the left nipple. My nipples were small and pink and the aureoles were also small and mostly pink with a brown shade. I had freckles across the top of my tits. They hung nicely, being young and still firm, but also being real, they sagged a bit and swung when I walked or moved and if I laid back, they drifted apart and toward my arms, if I leaned over, they hung down like normal breasts.
I was a fanatic about body hair and kept mine completely removed except for the hair on my head, my red eyebrows and eyelashes and my carefully manicured patch of pubic hair. My pubic hair was red, with an occassional golden thread mixed in. I kept it shaved into a tight triangle on my mound, with thin ruffles of hair running down the outside of my labia majora, three quarters of the way back between my legs, where the ruffles terminated. Other than that, I had no body hair that I allowed to remain. My buttocks were small, though very rounded, and very firm.
My labia majora were thick lips that did not close and my labia minora, my personal embarrassment, were quite large and wrinkly flaps of flesh that dangled down from my crotch at all times, unless held in place by panties, etc. My clitoris was usually exposed as its hood never fully covered it, and it was small and pinkish purple, depending on my mood. My vaginal entrance (my introitus) was very small and usually maintained a width of barely 3/4s an inch, which meant that sex was often painful for me until I relaxed fully and/or was properly lubricated (though even then I usually ached later from the stretching). My vagina was tiny at rest and I could just reach my cervix with my middle finger, meaning that, absent the miracle of vaginal tenting, it was less than 2 inches inside my vagina. Fortunately, my tiny body was able to acheive some miracles of vaginal expansion when properly motivated and aroused, as you will see later.
I lived in a small house of three rooms that I rented in a private housing development for low income folks. My place had a bedroom, a closet that my landlord called a bathroom, a living room and a kitchenette (with a sink, refrigerator and stove). It was under 700 square feet total and had no airconditioning. But I could afford it and it was safe for me.
I worked 2 jobs at this time. My newest job had come after much soul-searching and hard arguing with myself. I had recently been hired as a topless waitress at a gentlemen's club called The Tophat, owned by a large man named Tony. It had been very difficult for me to reach the conclusion that to make ends meet and get ahead financially, I was going to have to use my body and sexuality. The Tophat was a strip club, but girls were hired first as waitresses and then, after Tony was convinced they were ready and would be profitable, they would get offered the position of dancer. The dancers, of course, made way more money than the waitresses. As a waitress, I wore the uniform that we all had to wear. Six inch stilleto heels, fishnet stockings held up by a black lace garter belt, a black g-string (which only served to emphasize my labia minora by parting them and leaving them dangling on either side of the string), a black bow tie and white cuffs with gold cuff-links. This job allowed me to work on Tuesday, Thursday, Friday and Saturday nights from 8:00 pm to 2:00 am. I took it for the money, and for the hours because it left me free to continue working at the job I really loved: which was at an animal shelter.
I had always loved animals and felt sorry for them. I enjoyed showering attention and affection on them. I always wanted to protect them. I had taken a 9:00-5:00 job, every week-day, at a kennel not 5 blocks from my house. It was run by a charity that ran several in my city. There were several employees, but I was one of the newest, which meant that I did most of the direct animal care. I was also responsible for opening and closing. It was a minimum wage job, which is why I needed my moonlighting at The Tophat (which I kept secret from my boss and co-workers at the shelter). This job was the reason I got up in the morning and the other job was simply to ensure that I could survive to keep this one, which is why the scheduled hours mattered so much to me.
On the morning this memoir begins, I woke, as usual, around 7:00 am and layed there, sweating in my bed. It was mid August and very hot and sweltering. Being a bit nervous, I always kept my windows locked at night so by morning I was usually sweating profusely. I usually slept in panties and a long t-sirt and by morning would have kicked off all the covers. I favored cotton V-string panties and wore them exclusively. This morning I rose, showered in lukewarm water, brushed my teeth and hair, placing it in a ponytail, then pulled on new panties and a pair of jeans, slipped on my white keds and a tank top and went into the kitchen for breakfast. I ate a muffin, drank a glass of grapefruit juice, and then sat down and watched tv for a half hour or so before I needed to head down and open the shelter.
Eventually, it was time for me to go and I headed out. My car was a new geo metro hatchback, panic-button red, and I loved it since it was mine. Anyway, I headed down to the shelter and, on arrival, noted that there was an animal control vehicle in the gravel parking lot. They often brought animals they had picked up to us to hold and without that it was likely the shelter couldn't survive since the city, at least, paid. I pulled in and hopped out of the car, walking over to the truck. The animal control officer, a large, happy, and pleasant fellow by the name of Jim, got out of the truck and called out to me, "Hey Kat. Got an inmate for ya."
"What is it?"
"A dog. We need you to hold him until the court decides whether to put him down or not."
"What did he do?"
"Bit a man. But between us, the idiot probably deserved it. The real reason they'll put him down is because he's a Wolf-Husky hybrid and those are illegal in the city. The owners have already said they wouldn't fight it so it's just a matter of waiting on a judge to issue the order."
"Alright. Well, if you want to get him and bring him in, I'll find a place for him."
"He needs to be held alone. He doesn't do too well with other dogs."
Okay."
I turned and went inside, unlocking the door, turning on the lights and inhaling the odor of dogs, which, while others find offensive, I have always loved. I got the chart out and found a cage for him to be kept alone, at the end of the dog kennel, on the right, just inside the exercise door. I powered up the computer and began to preapre the paperwork for intake and, as I did, heard Jim bringing him in. I glanced up, and my breath caught in my throat at the sight of him.
He was magnificent. He was huge, easily the largest dog I had ever personally been around, with the thick, beautiful fur and the curled tail of a siberian husky. His body and legs were also like a husky's, thick, stocky and heavy. But his head was all wolf, triangle-shaped, with a long, pointed noise and yellow eyes. He looked me in the eye, then looked away like he wasn't interested in me. Surprisingly, I felt a twinge of hurt at his lack of interest in me. Jim was leading him on a leash.
"Can that leash control him?" I asked, a bit concerned.
"No. If he wanted to get loose he could. Actually, he's harmless because if he wasn't, I'm not strong enough to control him."
At intake I found that he was 153 pounds, and that his back was higher than my waist. His paws were almost twice the size of my hands and his head was much larger than mine. His torso was easily twice the size of my own. His name, appropriately enough, was King.
After completing the paperwork, we walked him down the center of the dog kennel to his cage and I opened it. Jim told him to go in and he glanced at me again, then looked away and strode in to the cage. I shut the mesh door behind him with a snick. I was a bit bothered by how irritated King made me. He was easily the most fascinating animal I had ever seen, but he seemed completely disinterested in me. It was like being in school and having a guy ignore you. I found my emotions weirdly frustrating and irritating. Eventually, I told myself to quit being an idiot and ignored it and completed my work throughout the day.
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